How to Break Bad Habits

When you think about your kids' habits, what images cross your mind: nose-picking, fingernail-biting, and hair-twirling—or daily Bible reading and helping out with household chores?

The truth is, habits can be good, bad, or simply annoying. And while we all want to help our children break the bad and cultivate the good, sometimes it's easy to feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though you hardly see any progress as your kids groan and moan. Let's face it, it's a rare child who stops to say, "Thank you, Mom, for the good job you're doing in raising me!"

If you're caught in the habit haze, here's some help in sorting your way through.

Smack, Crackle, Pop

I've always hated chewing gum. To me it's simply unattractive and disturbing to see and hear the girl in church sitting next to me smacking away as I'm trying to listen to the sermon. So what did I do with five children who love gum?

When deciding how to handle this issue, I had to ask myself, Is this a character issue or a personal pet peeve?

When it comes right down to it, my dislike of chewing gum is a personal pet peeve. It just bugs me. But this didn't mean I ignored the problem in my household; it simply meant I dealt with it more lightly than I would a character issue. Also, I handled it when the kids were young, ignoring it more often as they got older, because there were more crucial issues at stake. When my kids were young, I told them how I felt about chewing gum: "It's tacky!" And I established a "rule of thumb": I wouldn't pay for it, so if they wanted to chew it, they had to buy it. But if I saw it or heard it, they got one warning, then away it went! I also used humor to point out when there were "infractions" going on.

It's been interesting to observe that since my kids hit the later teen years, I rarely see them chewing gum anymore. Do you suppose they think it's tacky?

Remember, sometimes we're the one who has the annoying habit! I've always struggled with hay fever, so during allergy season when I'm congested, it's easy for me to snort. I don't even realize I'm doing it! It's a very unattractive habit, as my kids are quick to point out. So I've had to enlist their help in telling me when I snort. If we're in public, they whisper in my ear or wink at me to clue me in. They haven't cured me yet, but they've had a great time helping Mom kick the snorting habit!

Not Under This Roof!

While some habits are simply annoying, others, such as the use of bad language or back talk, undermine godly character traits and must be broken. Most young children attempt to talk back to parents. But statements such as "You dummy. I hate you. I will not … " must not be allowed in your home. A child who's permitted to get away with this kind of verbal abuse is more likely to grow into a person who talks back to teachers, is rude to employers, and verbally abuses his or her spouse. Decide what the punishment will be, then clearly explain your expectations to your child and the consequences of his or her misbehavior. Consistently follow through with swift punishment. Your child's respect for you will grow if he or she knows you mean what you say and you follow through.

My friend Sally's son had a paper route that necessitated his getting up early in the morning. But whenever he left their small house, he slammed the heavy front door, waking up other family members. It became increasingly irritating. But Sally saw this habit as an opportunity to train her son in the character trait of thoughtfulness. The noise he made simply was inconsiderate. So Sally talked to him about the problem. And to help him remember not to slam the door, she posted a large note on the inside of the door—where he would see it before he even opened it—which read: "Thank you for shutting the door quietly!"

Each day that Sally's son remembered to quietly slip out, she praised him. It took a while, but soon he formed the habit of moving quietly and learned a good lesson in thoughtfulness.

Occasionally your child may form an irritating habit that seems to go beyond the norm. For example, when our son John was about eight, he began to twitch his head in an unusual manner. We first noticed it at the dinner table, then it seemed to increase. John wasn't aware he was doing this and couldn't seem to control it. After trying to help him without success, we took him to see the pediatrician. Although tests were inconclusive, we learned there was a possibility he could have a disease called Tourette's syndrome. However, since John's symptoms were still mild, all we could do was pray and make sure he got lots of rest. We enlisted the prayer support of family and friends, and in time his symptoms disappeared. We'll probably never know what caused John's twitching, but we learned that if an unusual habit persists, it pays to check it out with your child's physician. But do it casually so it doesn't bring added stress to the child or further alarm him.

Pushing the Positive

It's easy to fall into negative parenting, always saying, "Don't do that!" But living in a negative household is no fun. To balance the bad habits we need to break, work on cultivating good habits.

Some habits will revolve around your personal likes. In our family, for example, no one leaves the table until everyone is finished eating. We establish other habits because they help train us in godly character, like making sure our children write thank-you notes for all gifts they receive, or insisting on good manners when dealing with friends and other adults.

Decide which habits you'd like to cultivate in your family. It won't always be easy; your kids may be disgruntled. But remember, your job isn't to make sure your kids are always happy, because that results in ungrateful, self-centered people. Your job is to raise kids with character. And it's the little things in life that make a big difference … the little habits that can shape a destiny.

Susan Alexander Yates is author of And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children and What Really Matters at Home: Eight Crucial Elements for Building Character in the Family (both Word). The Yates have five children ranging in age from 18 to 25.

1998 by the author or Christianity Today/Today's Christian Woman magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail tcwedit@todayschristianwoman.net.

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