The Unofficial Motherhood Entrance Exam

While we all know children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:3, NASB), we also know that gift isn't for the faint of heart or weak of will. Want to know whether you have what it takes to be a mommy? Find out here!

Toy Test

Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try walking to the bathroom or kitchen. Don't scream, because this would wake a sleeping child at night.

Night Test

Fill a small cloth bag with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. Waltz and hum with the bag from 3 p.m. until 9 P.M. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 P.M. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you've ever heard. Then make up about a dozen more and sing these, too—until 4 A.M. Set alarm for 5 A.M. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure all its arms stay inside.

Physical Test

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove ten beans. Try not to notice your closet full of clothes; you won't be wearing them for a while.

Feeding Test

Fill a large plastic milk jug halfway with water. Suspend it from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you when you shop for groceries. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has small children. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child's table manners. Emphasize that they never should allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It'll be the last time you'll have all the answers.

Image by Axel Bührmann / Flickr