Ask the Experts

Beginning in 1988, we started talking to the leading specialists in marriage and related fields. As part of our anniversary celebration, here are a few highlights from a decade of collected wisdom on successful relating.

H. NORMAN WRIGHT ON TALKING

Most often, one spouse is quite verbal and the other one isn't. … The less-verbal partners don't want to bring up certain issues because they're afraid it will lead to an hour-long conversation on a ten-minute topic. That often happens, in fact, because the verbal partners are so starved for communication that when their mates do open up, they jump in with both feet.—Summer 1988

JAY KESLER ON HAVING FUN

Ultimately, fun is tied to faith. If we believe the Father cares for us and that somehow life will turn out all right, then we don't have to feel so tense. Uptight people don't seem to have fun—they fear rejection and failure. [But] for the Christian, fun and play ought to come easily.—Summer 1989

MARY ANN MAYO ON SEX

The Bible teaches that each spouse reaches out to the other in ways that they find appealing. There's a message here for us. For women, it's getting in touch with their physical, sensuous side—allowing that to come out. For men, it's getting in touch with the romantic and verbal side, honoring and loving their wife and letting her know it.—Fall 1990

LEWIS B. SMEDES ON RESENTMENT

When forgiveness is necessary, don't wait too long. We must begin to forgive, because without forgiving, we choke off our own joy; we kill our own soul. People carrying hate and resentment can invest themselves so deeply in that resentment that they gradually define themselves in terms of it.—Winter 1991

BILL GAITHER ON MINISTRY

Gloria and I grew up seeing people attending church, dressing the right way and acting and saying all the right things, but never really affecting the world much. … I don't think we're of any earthly value if we don't risk getting our hands and feet dirty to try to go to where the people are.—Spring 1992

DAWSON MCALISTER ON PARENTING

Kids want to know if the Christian faith actually works, and one way they can be shown that is to observe it working in the lives of their parents. In the end, Christianity is not simply taught, it's caught. And if you ain't got it, they won't catch it. So I say to parents, "Get right with God. Live for God, not simply for yourself but also for your children and your children's children."—Summer 1993

CLAUDIA ARP ON JOY

Joy is more like an attitude, while fun is something we can—and should—plan. The fun times can contribute to the joy, but the joy goes much deeper. I have a peaceful joy knowing that whatever I'll face in life, Dave will be there with me. When you know that one other person understands and cares how you feel, you can face anything more easily.—Spring 1994

LEE EZELL ON STRENGTH

The Bible says iron sharpens iron—butter doesn't sharpen iron. A man must be strong in who he is and a woman must be strong in who she is, like two pieces of iron. Sure, they'll rub together and it won't always be pleasant. But it will be beneficial. Working through their differences is what makes couples strong.—Fall 1995

EVELYN CHRISTENSON ON PRAYER

Praying together is like riding a bike. You can read how to do it or have someone tell you; but until you try it yourself, you'll never learn how to do it.—Spring 1996

GARY SMALLEY ON DISAPPOINTMENT

One of the biggest causes of anger is disappointment over not getting what we expect. We expect life to work out in our favor—we want to be loved and appreciated and all that. But the truth is we'll never get everything we want or expect. If we can accept that fact, it will do a lot to minimize our big disappointments.—Spring 1997

1998 by the author or Christianity Today/Marriage Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mailmp@marriagepartnership.com.

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