His & Hers

Get Out Your Daily Planner

It's a myth that good sex is always spontaneous. A study from the University of Minnesota proves that sex planned into busy lives is just as enjoyable.

Pet the Dog

Hey, it's summertime—and the livin' is easy. Not only that, according to the poll-meisters, Thursday is the least stressful day of the week. Why not make it even more stress-free? Unplug for a day—turn off the talk radio in the car, stay off the Internet and give your TV the night off (who needs that fast-paced, bloody, emergency-room show at the end of a low-stress day?).

Other stressbusters:

• Take five minutes and do nothing.
  
• Organize a drawer, closet or your purse or wallet.
  
• Take a walk.
  
• Call a friend who'll make you laugh.
  
• Sit in a porch swing.
  
• Talk to God.
  
• Do something repetitive, like a craft or piano scales.
  
• Pet the dog.
  

You Work Hard for the Money--and for FUN

Though most U.S. workers hold down only one job, about 6 percent of employed Americans make time for moonlighting, according to American Demographics magazine. The obvious reason? More money, of course. The less obvious reason? Fulfillment. The 9-to-5 job pays the bills, but that second gig—as a musician, artist, chef, whatever—is often the true vocation, the pastime that satisfies.

Chugalug

Most of us know it's important to drink eight glasses of water a day—more when summer gets steamy. So by evening we're mentally totalling up the cups of water, milk or juice we've imbibed since getting up that morning. And we gotta wonder: do my cup o' joe and my Diet Coke count?

Nope. Caffeinated beverages dehydrate the body. For every Coke or cup of coffee, you need to drink an extra glass of water. So take the Nestea plunge—but decaf only.

Surf Addiction

Are you addicted to the Internet? Is your spouse? Psychology Today identifies several warning signs:

• Staying online longer than you intended.
  
• Admitting you can't keep from signing on.
  
• Neglecting loved ones, chores, sleep, reading, TV, friends, exercise, hobbies, sex or social events because of the Internet.
  
• Spending 38 hours or more a week online.
  
• Feeling anxious, bored, sad, lonely, angry or stressed before going online, but feeling happy, excited, loved, calmed or confident while on the Internet
  
• Favoring chat rooms and games over other Internet activities.
  

Forget about It!

Ever find yourself standing in front of your closet or the fridge, wondering why you opened the door in the first place?

Relax, nothing has gone horribly wrong with your gray matter. In fact, no one's memory is as good as he or she wants or expects it to be.

In Cooking Light magazine, Professor Piotr Winkielman of the University of Denver suggests, "Try to remember what you had for dinner every day for the past week. It sounds easy!" Winkielman recommends not sweating the small stuff, but focusing on memories of really important events.

Honk If You're Having a Great Dream

Health Magazine

The Truth about Forgiveness
Charles Lynch has heard all the excuses, so many in fact that he wrote a book about them. In I Should Forgive, But … (Word), Lynch takes readers through all the reasons people give for why they won't forgive someone and rebuts them with the truth about why we must forgive.

"Forgiveness lays the basic foundation for any continuing relationship," he writes. In an interview, Lynch gave us more of the goods on forgiveness.

What does forgiving someone entail?
Forgiveness is probably the most misunderstood definable word in Christianity. Often people define it by describing a result of it: "I don't want to wring their neck any more." "I can pray for them now." That's all good stuff, but that's not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is sending away: you identify a wrong someone did to you or a hurt someone caused you, and you send it to the Lord.

What is the number-one impact of forgiveness on a marriage?
The benefit is a clear, open, spirit-to-spirit relationship with your mate, which results in a deeper intimacy both relationally and physically. When couples say, "We're just not communicating," often it's because there's been a hurt, and they have shut down emotionally.

It's such a beneficial thing to forgive. More important than saying "I love you" is to say "I was wrong" or "Would you forgive me?" because that is a practical working out of love.

How does the idea "forgive and forget" harm a relationship?
When we remember what our spouse has done to us, we have an opportunity to display grace. It takes more grace to forgive and remember than it does to forgive and forget.

Also, we love in proportion to what we have been forgiven. I see this a lot in adultery situations: when a cheating husband has repented and his wife has forgiven him, often he has this incredible love for her.

Interviewed by Caryn D. Rivadeneira

Donna Rice Hughes--Back in the Headlines

Donna Rice Hughes—yep, the Donna Rice of the photos that brought down Gary Hart's presidential bid—is back in the public eye, this time promoting Internet safety issues. Donna has been married to Jack Hughes for five years and is a glad stepmom to his teenaged daughter and son.

On public restoration: My heart's desire was to have all the pain of the past count for something—that God would use it for something bigger than me. There are still a lot of perceptions out there about me. But sometimes when a scandal is that big, the restoration needs to be public and big as well. I just keep saying God is so faithful. He really is.

On trusting her husband: Jack is one of the few people I dated, since college, who I could really trust. That was important, because I'd been betrayed by guys (including a date rape) and betrayed around the time of the Hart scandal by people I thought were my friends. Then Jack came along. I could trust his integrity and his faithfulness. If he had a meeting with a woman in his office, he wouldn't shut the door. He was faithful in his first, difficult marriage and remained pure after the divorce. And we waited for sex until we were married—and that built trust too.

You said it!

"So many people believe that if they just have enough money, they'll be happy. But I say, 'Folks, it's not going to happen.' The worst years of our lives were the years Harold and I were making the most money. We've learned that it's not how much you make—it's what you do with what you get."

Financial whiz Mary Hunt, from an interview in Today's Christian Woman

"God owns it all. Money is never an end in itself but is a resource used to accomplish other goals and obligations. Spend less than you earn and do it for a long time, and you'll be financially successful."

Financial adviser Ron Blue, in Master Your Money (Nelson)

Reader to Reader

AFTER RUSS AND TRICIA GOT MARRIED, MEETING AND HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS—WHICH HAD BEEN SO EASY AND FUN BACK IN COLLEGE—SUDDENLY BECAME A CHORE. THEY NEEDED IDEAS ON HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH OTHER COUPLES. HERE'S THE ADVICE MP READERS OFFERED.

Ask God to develop in you and your husband qualities of a loving friend. Then take action. Put others first. Write a letter of encouragement, make a phone call, pray for someone and expect nothing in return. Develop a pattern of doing things for others and loving them unconditionally.

Jennifer Siek
Audubon, Pennsylvania

Joining a fellowship group from church and having regular, informal get togethers helped us make couple friends. There is an immediate bond among believers that can propel you into social situations and fun and recreation as couples.

Dorene Meyer
Balmertown, Ontario

Marriage Encounter, FamilyLife Conferences and similar experiences provide a wonderful enrichment experience and offer the opportunity to continue to meet regularly with other couples who value marriage.

Debye and Pat Galaska
San Antonio, Texas

Don't wait for your neighbors to come over and introduce themselves. Bake some cookies, write a nice card and go knock on their door. Some of our neighbors have become some of our closest friends. Plus, making friends in the neighborhood gives you more chances to demonstrate Christian love.

John Nelson
Rochester, New York

When my husband and I moved to a new state last year, we signed up for Swing-dance lessons. What fun! Most of the other people in the class were married and right around our age. We immediately had something in common with the other couples—our love of dancing—and even after the classes ended, a few of us still get together.

Maria Perez
Orlando, Florida

THE NEXT READER QUESTION:

"MY DREAM HAS BEEN TO GO TO PARIS. OUR CHURCH JUST ANNOUNCED A TOUR OF THE TOWNS WE SPONSOR MISSIONARIES IN—INCLUDING PARIS! MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND HIS VACATION TIME ON A PLACE HE HAS NO INTEREST SEEING, BUT SAID IF I WANTED TO GO WITHOUT HIM, HE'D UNDERSTAND. I'M TORN. IS IT APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO TRAVEL TO THE CITY OF LIGHTS WITHOUT MY HUSBAND?" -RHONDA

Send your advice (200 words or less) to:

Reader to Reader
Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, IL 60188;
fax us at 630-260-0114;
or e-mail us at mp@marriagepartnership.com.

We'll publish readers' advice in a future Reader to Reader column.

1999 by the author or Christianity Today/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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