His & Hers

for crying out loud, how come guys rarely shed tears during the most tearjerking of movies, while women have been known to tear up over a really good Hallmark commercial? It isn't because men don't experience the same emotional responses, says a recent study conducted at Vanderbilt University. Psychologists there monitored internal and facial responses of men and women watching emotion-tugging clips from various movies. Men and women showed equal responses internally, but the feelings didn't show up on the men's faces.

They Kissed Singleness Goodbye

Joshua Harris's book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah), has turned into a runaway bestseller. In it, he encourages young adults to quit playing the dating game and instead create a lifestyle of purposeful singleness that can lead to sincere love and true purity. So how did the guy who put singleness on the map end up at the altar last October?

"I came on staff as pastoral intern at Covenant Life Church about three weeks after Shannon became the church secretary," he says. "After about a year, I initiated what we call a courtship."

That means it was a "marriage-intentional" relationship. The big question—did they kiss while dating?

"Shannon and I think kissing shouldn't have legalistic, hard-and-fast rules," Harris says. "Every couple has their own convictions. But we wanted to save up all our passion for marriage. Our first kiss was at the altar."

They've been making up for lost time ever since.

Interviewed by Annette LaPlaca

Define 'Success'

Cooking Light magazine reports that both men and women derive self-esteem from their successes on the job, according to a recent study. But their emotional states—whether they're generally happy or depressed—reflect the quality of their family relationships.

Baby, You Can Call Me Al

The most common terms of endearment, in order:

950 million Dollars spent on Halloween candy last year

20 million Pounds of candy corn purchased

Health magazine

Let's Do Lunch

You'd never neglect important business clients and still expect to win their business. Azriela Jaffe, founder of a consulting firm for couples in business, recommends treating your spouse as a client. Without clients, a business goes bankrupt. Without a constantly strengthened emotional foundation, your marriage can go bankrupt too.

Between the Covers

Why Opposites Attract

Chuck and Barb Snyder describe themselves as "the world's most opposite couple." They claim the only things they have in common are that they got married on the same day and share the same kids and grandkids. Though incompatibility is a common reason for divorce, in Incompatibility: Still Grounds for a Great Marriage (Multnomah) the Snyders argue that the differences between men and women are what make marriages great.

How does incompatibility build a great marriage?

Chuck: God made men and women different on purpose. We are completely different—chemically, hormonally, physically. But because of our different gifts, because of our different personality styles, husbands and wives are richer individuals.
Barb: The instructions that God gives to a man on how to love his wife are completely different from the way he tells the wife to love her husband —because men and women have different needs.

How can spouses learn to look at each other as different, not wrong?

Barb: By putting the focus on the other person instead of on yourself and coming to understand the differences.
Chuck: What impacted me the most was when I realized it was God's idea to make Barb different from me. I thought she didn't think right; she didn't do the right things. But when I got the concept that God made her exactly like she is, I realized I was questioning God's sanity for bringing her into my life.

You wrote: "Work hard at being the man or woman God wants you to be in marriage with no expectations that your wife or husband will ever change or ever meet your needs." What do you mean?

Barb: There's a peace that comes into your life when you're not always mad because your spouse hasn't done what you thought he or she should do.

Interviewed by Caryn D. Rivadeneira

Eight Minutes a Day

Some marriage counselors point to eight crucial minutes in every couple's day, writes syndicated columnist Mike Mailway. What you do in the first four minutes after you wake up and in the first four minutes after you meet in the evening is all-important. So keep those eight minutes a day conflict-free, and greet one another with a kiss.

"Marriage isn't a battle that somebody is supposed to win."

Abraham Lincoln

"The best solution to some problems is to acknowledge that there is no solution, that partners can live with the conflict as it exists and the marriage can be strong and good in spite of it."

Francine Klagsbrun

Reader to Reader

WHEN JONATHAN AND HIS WIFE HAD A BABY, THEY DECIDED HE SHOULD STAY HOME WITH THEIR DAUGHTER BECAUSE HIS WIFE MADE MORE MONEY. HE FELT GOOD ABOUT THE ARRANGEMENT UNTIL HE STARTED GETTING GRIEF FROM FAMILY MEMBERS. HE ASKED: "IS THE MOM ALWAYS THE BEST PARENT TO SAY HOME WITH THE KIDS?"

My wife and I know a couple in your situation. I applaud their decision to have the dad care for his daughter. At a time when fathers are criticized for being deadbeats and workaholics, I can't see why dads should be anything but respected for taking an active role in nurturing their children.

Martin C.
Wheaton, Illinois

You mention earning potential as the reason your wife is the breadwinner. I'd advise against basing your decision on money. Instead, take into account what you and your wife each have the most passion for. If your wife is committed to her work and you are equally passionate about caring for your daughter, that's good. But if your wife feels obligated to keep working because she brings home more money than you could, then you need a new plan.

Susan R.
Nashville, Tennessee

It isn't about who the better parent is. You should determine what your motive for staying home is. Why subject your wife to the wiles of corporate America? Your decisions shouldn't be based on who makes the most money, but on scriptural soundness.

Lynedra A.
Marietta, Georgia

When our first son was born, I worked full-time, my husband worked part-time, and we shared childcare. When we had our second child, my husband went to work full-time. I quit my job and started my own business. My advice is to ask the Lord for wisdom and then let the peace of God rule.

Angela G.
Astoria, Oregon

THE NEXT READER TO READER QUESTION:
"MY DAD DIED LAST YEAR AND DIDN'T LEAVE MY MOM IN THE BEST FINANCIAL SHAPE. MY HUSBAND AND I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE HER TO LIVE WITH US. WE'RE EXCITED ABOUT THE IDEA, BUT I'M CONCERNED THAT HAVING MY MOM HERE COULD PUT A STRAIN ON OUR MARRIAGE. AM I RIGHT TO WORRY OR AM I JUST BEING SELFISH?" -BETSY

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