Beating the Bedroom Blues

Let's face it. Fantasies happen. No, not the kind of fantasies you're thinking about, but how about these?

Zzzzzzzzz …. I'm so [yawn] sleepy!
After I check off "have sex with spouse," to-do list conquered!
Has she ever heard of a new position?
Is that all he knows for foreplay?
We really need to paint this bedroom.
Is that the puppy/toddler/baby monitor breathing by the doorway? I thought I heard something.

Fess up. Are you cringing? Yeah, me too. Sometimes sex gets lost in the shuffle of senseless schedules and tangled in the unfolded towels. Frankly, it seems an effort. Couples generally have three basic reactions to a bad case of the bedroom blues:

Resignation. When we choose this one, we view sex as something to do and just get over. Worse, we slide into a pit where the thoughts in its depths aren't pretty. Things are always going to be this way, so why bother? God wouldn't want me to be this unhappy. Maybe we're just wrong for each other. So we drift into roommate status with bedroom privileges that we care nothing about.

Radioactivity. This makes sex toxic. We might introduce fantasies or bring pornography into our bedrooms, buying into the world's view that anything different spices up our marriage and brings adventure into the bedroom. We dangerously compare our marriages, spouses, love lives to everyone else's seeming superiority.

Someone in either of the above stages is ripe for an affair.

Rejuvenation. We could choose to use a dull time in our love lives to reinvent it, to refresh ourselves, and restore our closeness. Remember whose idea sex was? That's right, it was God's. I'm not sure why, but we Christians tend to be shocked by such a reminder. And he's on your side for sweetening your love life.

What To Do

Here are some ideas to jumpstart your love life and get it sizzling again.

Make sex a priority. In this case, when you snooze, you really do lose. Write it on your calendar if you're having trouble finding the time. While sex is certainly not the biggest part of a marriage, it is a fairly accurate measure of the health of your marriage. It will enhance your sleep and your energy levels both. What a combo!

Do your homework. My husband and I assign this in marriage seminars: Have sex every night for a week. Yes, that includes the weekend! Why? Because having sex usually begets the desire to have more.

Ask your spouse what he or she needs. Men are different from women. And I'm generalizing here, but the adage is all too true: Women need a reason; men just need a place.

Men, if you truly want to touch your wife's body, touch her heart first. Talk with her. Consider vacuuming as foreplay! If you have young children, take over bedtime duties and give your wife precious time to make the transition from mommy to sex goddess! Honor her and be sensitive to her needs.

Women, if you truly want to have a great intimate relationship, stop treating your man like he's a Neanderthal or a cretin because he wants to have sex. This is his God-given desire and his best way of connecting with you.

Switch it up. Take turns planning your romantic evening, whether that means a night out, new lingerie, setting the mood, choosing a different location or position. Plan mood music, candles, a plate of appetizers or fruit with chocolate dip and whipped cream. If your spouse wants to try something new, by all means, give it a try! Not sure if it's God-honoring? Here are some guidelines:

Is it beneficial? If it's harmful in any way to either of you, it's a no go. See Paul comments in 1 Corinthians 6:12.
Does it involve anyone else? Sex is for the two of you alone. X-rated movies, pornography, or other people, even in your mind, are out.

Consider a do over. If your bedroom has become the repository for bills cluttering a desk, a corner stuffed with books and magazines you're planning to read during that illusive sudden windfall of time, or a bed chock full of laundry that you need to throw off the bed come sleep time, put your energies into completely cleaning it up and throwing things out. Choose a new theme, paint, or comforter set. The painting alone is worth trying!

Bring back the fun. Remember the anticipation of your first times of intimacy together? Take a moonlit stroll. Revisit the scene of an early date. If possible, plan a trip to your honeymoon destination. Laugh together. Rent a season of Mad About You. Have an I Love Lucy or Andy Griffith marathon complete with popcorn, chocolate, icy colas, and plenty of snuggling. Save up silly jokes or work anecdotes to share with each other.

Get creative. In general terms, sex might well be more important to men than to women. So make the most of it. Make it your goal to christen every room in your house. Greet your husband at the dinner table wearing a tie and nothing else. How about a temporary tattoo and a fun game of hide and seek? Try a fashion show with lingerie. Wake him in the middle of the night for sex. Send a text for her eyes only. Place flower petals on your sheets.

Just be honorable. Godly sex equals good sex. It beats boredom. Yup, every time.

Cindy Dagnan is the deliriously happy, chronically sleepy wife of one remarkable man and mother of four little girls. She is also a speaker and author of five books, including Hot Chocolate for Couples: Practical Ways to Sweeten Your Love Life (Harvest House Publishers).

Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women