Desperate Housewives?

I stumbled upon it during a recent fit of channeling surfing, brought on by the unexpected delight of actually having sole possession of the remote control. There she was, this so-called housewife—slick lips pouty with invitation (I'm guessing for all the hunky plumbers headed her way), elegantly upswept hair, silky bathrobe and (this was the kicker) no kids in sight. That was also the tip-off: she's an imposter.

Apparently that means the producers of Desperate Housewives need to hire me to act as reality counsel for the producers. From the few minutes I saw, their idea of reality is, um, just a bit different from mine. In fact, the disparity made me laugh so hard I snorted my Diet Coke with lime up my nose.

I put together this comparison chart, should those producers want to attempt realism.

Desperate Housewives Want:
An egg-white omelet, fresh fruit, and dry toast for breakfast

Real Housewives Want:
A Snickers and Diet Coke for breakfast. Don't a positive and a negative cancel each other out?

Desperate Housewives Want:
Complete gardening service

Real Housewives Want:
A neighborhood boy willing to mow the lawn for 10 bucks a week, including weed-eating.

Desperate Housewives Want:
A live-in maid

Real Housewives Want:
A monthly maid service discreet enough not to tell that they saw you throw everything in the dryer prior to their arrival so they wouldn't think your house was a wreck.

Desperate Housewives Want:
A personal yoga instructor

Real Housewives Want:
The ability to touch her toes without having a flabby tummy or post-nursing chest simultaneously touch her knees.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Multiple illicit affairs

Real Housewives Want:
The rarity of being awake long enough to make passionate love to just one man—her husband—once the Letterman monologue is over.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Weekly manicures

Real Housewives Want:
The hope that perhaps biting her nails while the residue of polish remover remains might also whiten her teeth.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Monthly pedicures

Real Housewives Want:
She'd be okay with those.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Occasional bikini waxes

Real Housewives Want:
No matter what they say about losing modesty after childbirth, she can't imagine paying a stranger to view her nether parts while involving pain unless she was also paying them to extract an eight pound child from her body.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Wildly fashionable coiffures

Real Housewives Want:
Mildly fashionable highlights to cover either: (a) the gray hair caused by reluctantly meeting middle age, or (b) the bald spots that result from pulling out hair after six consecutive snow days with multiple children under the age of 10.

Desperate Housewives Want:
Trendy clothing

Real Housewives Want:
Someone to help her locate the body she had that actually fit into trendy clothing; while they're at it, could somebody tell her who is running around with her neck?

Desperate Housewives Want:
Plastic surgery

Real Housewives Want:
A bra that lifts, separates, and promises to permanently keep all pertinent chest parts pointing north, even while running behind the baby jogger.

Desperate Housewives Want:
A shallow marriage or an "easy" divorce

Real Housewives Want:
A 50th wedding anniversary with the guy she married. That wonderful man who is equally at home racing Hot Wheels with his son or having imaginary tea parties with his daughter. The man who can still make her heart race when his car pulls in the drive.

Come to think of it, that's quite a list. And there's nothing desperate about it.

Cindy Dagnan is the deliriously happy, chronically sleepy wife of one remarkable man and mother of four little girls. She is also a speaker and author of five books, including Hot Chocolate for Couples: Practical Ways to Sweeten Your Love Life (Harvest House Publishers).

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