Children Behaving Badly

I've seen enough kids with negative behavior to tell you how the cycle goes. Read this and see if it triggers a headache:

You tell Johnny to turn off the television. He ignores you. You tell him to turn off the TV again. He continues watching. You raise your volume level, on the faint chance that somehow he didn't hear you the first two times. Johnny replies, "Just a minute, I'm still watching." You repeat your request, getting more aggravated each time. Johnny argues back, saying, "Why are you so mean?" and "No other parent in the world makes their child turn the TV off."

Just before you go insane, you tell Johnny to turn off the TV or you will do it for him. He barricades the TV with his body, but using your tactical combat skills, you evade his defenses and get to the TV. You send Johnny to his room, threatening him with the loss of every electronic game known to mankind. He reluctantly sulks off, muttering something you suspect is not a Bible verse.

For some parents, this cycle happens several times a day. These parents feel guilty and blame themselves for doing something (they're not sure exactly what) wrong. How else could their child turn out this way? Then they notice life's much easier when their child's at a friend's house. It dawns on them they actually dislike being around their child, and their guilt reaches epidemic proportions.

I call this the negative behavior cycle. Everything in the cycle perpetuates the pattern: the parent's ineffective style of giving commands; Johnny's negative responses; harmful parent/child communication; and the gradual distancing of the parent/child relationship.

Newsflash: You can break the negative behavior cycle. But here's the catch: You have to take the first step. Whether the negative behavior cycle is just picking up steam or is already in full swing, God wants you to restore healthy relationships in your family.

The first step is to plan "special times" with your child-short, one-on-one times to have fun together. Let your child choose the activity, within reason. To make this time successful, don't ask any questions or make any demands (other than respectful behavior). This may sound funny, but the more demands you make, the more opportunities your child has to ignore or disobey you, and you're back in the negative behavior cycle again.

Begin your time with a short prayer and enjoy a fun activity together. Watch your child closely and frequently point out his positive behavior. If he does something disrespectful, give him one chance to correct his behavior. If he does, great. If not, then your special time will be over for today.

No matter how challenging your child is, having a special time several times a week will begin to break the negative behavior cycle. You'll be creating new positive interactions to offset the negative ones. You'll remember that you actually like your child, and your child will remember that mom and dad aren't evil ogres.

Break the negative behavior cycle by showing your child how important he is with two of the greatest weapons God's given you: your love and your time.

Todd Cartmell is a child psychologist, author, and popular workshop speaker. He is the author of Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry and The Parent Survival Guide (both from Zondervan). Visit his website at Visit his website at www.drtodd.net.

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