Making Room for Daddy

Q: Ever since my son was a preschooler, my husband has labeled him a sissy because my son likes drama and art and computers, not sports and hunting. The two of them have no real relationship. How can I make up for my husband's neglect and disappointment?

A: To be honest, you can't, at least not in any meaningful way. That's up to your husband.

The concept of "father" is not superfluous in God's scheme of things. Let's back up and look at your son's development. Built into God's plan for his growth when he was a preschooler was his new understanding that even if he put on Mommy's make-up, he was still a boy. He was learning to stop identifying with you, the most important person in his life up until then, and identify with the maleness of his father.

In elementary school, when a father shows love, encouragement, and excitement over his son's achievements, even if they are not the achievements the father originally hoped for, a boy blossoms. He learns that this guy stuff is pretty cool. Conversely, if the father rejects the ways his son lives out his maleness, his son's pride in his gender shrivels. God's plan for him may never be realized. As the boy gets older and more in touch with his sexuality, he may feel like he isn't much of a "man" at all. When that happens, the spiritual and emotional consequences can be devastating.

My friend Duane was one such child. "I was winning art contests at my school," he said, "but my father could never find time to come to an art show. But he did find time to pay a neighbor boy to teach me to throw a ball like a man. I spent years of my life away from my heavenly Father because I associated him with my earthly father who kept trying to fix me into his definition of a man."

Your husband needs to recognize that his role in your son's life is about much more than sharing interests. God has placed him in your son's life to show him how to live and love as a man of God, a role that has nothing to do with preferring drama to football.

Gently encourage your husband to put aside his disappointment, and pray for his attitude to change. Encourage him to get involved in the activities your son loves. Even if he simply attends a play or art show, his approval will mean the world to your son.

Your husband also needs to recognize that a child will live up or down to the names he's called, so help him find names that emphasize your son's masculinity: the hero of the show, the king of painting, the chief computer whiz. Help your husband see God's hand in the talents your son has, and encourage him to offer words of praise whenever he can.

As your husband's relationship with your son improves, you may find that you need to move away from your son a bit. My husband Jack heads up Freedom Quest, a ministry in Colorado Springs that offers prayer support to adults who are dealing with gender issues, often issues that started back to their childhood years. He suggests asking your husband to be the one who prays with your son at bedtime, reads him nightly episodes of adventure stories, picks him up after play practice. Jack says, "An elementary boy who is not getting the masculine attention he craves often takes on feminine characteristics of the mom who pays attention to him." This doesn't mean you need to become cold or emotionally unavailable toward your son, rather that you give him both permission and space to bond with his dad.

If your husband just can't or won't accept your son, consider family counseling to get an outsider's help. You should also carefully and appropriately bring other Christian men into your son's life. He needs the men in his life to show him that he is loved and valued for the boy he is and man he will become.

Marlene LeFever is the Director of Church Relations at Cook Communication Ministries.

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