Raising Courageous Daughters

We want both for our girls: to know that they are deeply loved and then to let that love spill over onto others. We want them to believe in who they are and all that they have to offer. We want to teach them to stand up for themselves and to know, deep down, that they are worthy of being stood up for.

The Gift of Courage

Several years ago, a mother brought her third grade daughter to me for counseling. Her fifth grade son was seeing another counselor at the time. "I'm not really here about Allison," she told me. "I'm here because of her brother. He, basically, has no boundaries. He tells her what to do constantly, to the point that he chooses the clothes he thinks she should wear to school every day. I want you to help her learn how to tell him no. I want you to help her learn that if she says no, and he doesn't respect her, she can punch him in the nose."

I was startled, to say the least. Her mom went on, "I want you to help her learn this because I want her to practice saying no on him. In not too many years, she'll be starting to date. When her date tries to kiss her and she says no and he doesn't respect her, I want her to know that she can punch him in the nose."

Now I'm not condoning using violence to exert power, but how different would your life be now if someone had given you that kind of courage? If someone had told you that you were created with a beauty that is unlike anyone else, that is reflected from deep inside of you? That you could offer who you are in a way that would make a real difference to others? In his book Leading with a Limp, author and psychologist Dan B. Allender recalls how he once told his son, "You are the only you this world will ever know and something about you is meant to make something about God known in a way that no one else can." We use that quote with girls a lot. It's something we believe they need desperately to hear. And you can be the one to communicate it.

4 Keys to empowering your daughter

So how can you do this? How can you empower an introverted daughter to really be? Or a seemingly narcissistic daughter to really give? Here are a few ways I've watched parents and other adults empower their girls to do both.

1. Spend time with her.

Enjoy being with her purely for the sake of enjoyment. In our Raising Boys and Girls seminar, we talk at length about the need for girls to be delighted in. As simple as it sounds, when you delight in your daughter, she will come to believe she is delightful. And, notice I said purely for the sake of enjoyment. This is not meant to be time where you're teaching, correcting, criticizing, or even lecturing her. Instead, just enjoy her. Laugh with her. Go for a walk. Watch the cooking channel. Have her show you her favorite videos on YouTube. Get your nails done. Read a book out loud together. Take an art class. Be with her and enjoy her, without necessarily even saying a word.

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